Trust was instilled in us as babies. I trusted my aunt to catch me when she threw me up in the air. I trusted my parents to always feed me and come attend to me when I cry. Gullible and naive 7 year old, my favourite uncle was the first to break my trust. Lured by sweets and ice-cream that he enticed me with, he violated me down there. Told to never tell a soul because I'd only hurt people, my world became dark. Can I ever trust again?
I'm now a teenager, just developed breasts and my body is taking shape. There's this cute guy I like but he's those cool kids and I might get hurt. My early life trauma still haunts me but it won't stop me from loving. He says all the right words to entice me, I think I'll give him a chance. I trust his words, they sound so sincere. 8 months steady with him and I find out about his other two girlfriends. Heart broken, left confused and full of questions. Why me? I treated him good, why would he do this?
I'll just start dating older men because they're more mature. In Varsity we know that old charmers hang out at chilled places where they play good music. I know a girl that goes to those places, I'll befriend her. These girls look like they like things but I need an older man so I'll just have to be cool with them. These old charmers buy me things, promise me good times, get me drunk and I love alcohol. I think they understand me more than these kids my age.
I find myself here, how did I get here? Sleeping with old married men who seduce me using their bank account. Finding comfort in designer labels, make-up and expensive weaves. Crazy nights and wild parties is what I look forward to, it's my escape from this reality I find myself in. Get me high, get me drunk and let me forget about the voice inside me questioning my lifestyle. My boyfriend is a player but two can play that game. My friends like him and he's cute so I won't leave him plus the sex is good.
What have I turned into? My mother just told me she doesn't know me anymore. We fought but truth is, I too don't know myself anymore. How did I get here? I want to find myself. I can no longer take comfort in being branded a hoe by my peers. What will my children think of me? My mother has invited me to a prayer meeting, I'll attend and see what good it will do. Maybe divine intervention is what I need, maybe the answers are found in God. All I know is that there needs to be change because I'm losing myself to the world.
